you traded sex for a burrito?
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I deserve this hangover.
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