Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
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