it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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