I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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