I need to stop coming to work sober
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
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