The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
