Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
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