Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
i dont even know how to be here
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
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