they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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