worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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