Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
