if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
