i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
