Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
