I am midnight drunk by noon
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
