Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
