Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize