I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
