There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
