i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
this just has baby written all over it
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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