i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
