So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
