I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
