Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Randomize
