The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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