I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
