U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
