last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
