Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
