I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
