the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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