An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize