I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
a search helicopter?!
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
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