Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Your cock deserves a montage
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
