I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Randomize