hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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