my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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