I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
as a side note pls kill me
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
