If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Randomize
