sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
