At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
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