my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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