Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Randomize