So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Randomize
