I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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