my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Randomize
