hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
