I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
