if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize