i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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