Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
