remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Randomize
