im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
it glows. i had to have it.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
