i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
