How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Randomize
