Umm I'm too high to move.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
