Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I should be sponsored by Trojan
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Randomize