I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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