I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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