Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
did you just send me my own nude
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
