That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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