Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
