Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
