saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Sober January is a disaster.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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