I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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