____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
