just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
