Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
