I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Randomize
