I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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